


Why is Human Leaking?  An Essay

by Missy



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Epistolary, Essays, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom tries to explain crying, and Gypsy breaks in to correct him.  Robot cuteness ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why is Human Leaking?  An Essay

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Ladiesbingo, prompt: "What is this thing called love?"

Why is Human Leaking? An Essay in Five Parts  
By Thomas T. Servo

Tears: they are part of being human, and boy, do they stink. Apparently, if a human cries, that only means one of three things: they’re really really happy, they’re really really sad, or they just stubbed their toe throwing a toaster at the TV during a Joe Don Baker marathon. 

What are tears made of? Nobody really knows, but scientists believe that they’re actually made out of rain. That’s why when people tell you they’re not crying and it’s just raining on their faces they’re telling you the truth. While I’ve never tried to do so, I’ve heard that entire gardens of alfalfa beans may be nurtured with a single teaspoonful of delicious human tears.

I’ve heard that if a human is happy enough, they could feed a thirsty child for months, but don’t quote me on that, as I’ve never met a human child with verbal processing software…

**Tom, that’s wrong!**

Cheese it, Gyps, I’m trying to talk about crying here!

**But you just said people cry for other reasons! What if they’re crying for another reason? What if they feel really sick, or really scared? And kids cry for all the same reasons adults do! Joel said so!**

Then they can just learn how to wipe their noses like everybody else, eesh.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the worst part about crying, apparently, is not being able to stop. If this ever happens to you, hold your breath and don’t stop, whatever you do! You’ll stop crying, and probably stop breathing, but at least you’ll feel better.

**Now you’re just being mean!**

No I’m not! Geesh, I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it. Human beings don’t even need oxygen to live.

**Actually, they do.**

Nuh-uh!

**But they do! All of our systems say so!**

So turn it off and prove I’m wrong!

**I’m not going to smother Joel just to prove a point, Tom.**

Oh yeah? Then you’re not committed to what you’re fighting for, Gyps.

**Well, you’re never going to understand human emotions!**

Emotions are for meanie stupid heads! CAN I PLEASE FINISH?!

Back to my essay! There seems to be four or five surefire ways to avoid crying. The first one is thinking happy thoughts, but who has time to do that! Instead, stuff yourself with tasty food and write angry, vitriol filled letters to your detractors. That’ll show ‘em good, heh. But if revenge isn’t an immediate option, you can always throw things at walls and eat donuts and stuff. 

**Maybe if they had more ram chips they’d feel better.**

Yeah, well, what else makes you feel better?

**Richard Basehart pin-ups and making the world a better place. How about you?**

Music! The theatre…and ram chips.

**Oh. Wanna get some from Joel?**

Oh boy, okay!

Uh, in conclusion: humans are weird and leaky and smelly and kind of mean but sometimes they’re pretty and funny and they give great hugs.

THE END!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **MST3K** , all of whom are the property of **Best Brains Inc.**. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention.


End file.
